


mess

by lesbianbateleur (stepaknee)



Series: adhd yosuke [2]
Category: Persona 4
Genre: ADHD Yosuke, Eventual Romance, Gen, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-10-05 21:16:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stepaknee/pseuds/lesbianbateleur
Summary: Yosuke had messed up—more than usual.





	1. cause

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically just rsd sucks the fanfiction tbh
> 
> my previous fic had yosuke dealing with undiagnosed adhd and I thought I'd just... expand on that.  
> with him having a breakdown.
> 
> yeah.
> 
> if you are unaware of what rsd is, it's basically an adhd specific thing that causes various mental health issues when faced with real or imaginary rejection. it means failing can be a huge deal for someone with it.

He’d fucked up. 

 

Yosuke had messed up—more than usual. Just one forgetful move, just forgetting this shadow’s invulnerability and now Chie was on the ground. There was so much blood— 

He’d  _ fucked up _ . 

 

Kanji was finishing the shadow off but Yosuke was blank, unable to move, not even as Yukiko screamed her persona’s name to heal Chie from the mess Yosuke had made.

 

He’d dropped his kunai, he needed to pick them up but he was too busy shaking, grabbing his head and trying to stop the constant barrage of  _ it’s all your fault, they all will hate you now. _

 

“Yosuke!” 

 

Why was Yu worrying about him? Chie was the one who got hurt ( ‘ _ because of  _ **_you_ ** ’ ), Yosuke did all this,  **He did this.**

 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he shook his head violently, pressing his headphones further into his ears to block it all— block anything out— stop the screaming inside him that he’d never fix this, he’d never be cared for again. 

 

He was on the ground,  _ when had he even sat down _ , and kept sliding away as best he could, trying to get away from the people he’d ruined, the people who had to hate him now—  _ they had to _ .

 

Yosuke couldn’t hear the steps behind him, but he felt the fingers in his hair that then gripped his headphones and pull them off. It made Yosuke whimper pathetically and cup his ears—  to push it all out, to make it go away. His nails, even as blunt as they were, dug into his scalp and caused crescents of stinging. 

 

Yu’s voice was soft, he could tell that, caring as it always was, but he couldn’t focus on the words. He was too busy realizing he was crying, realizing he was hyperventilating, realizing he was a much of a mess as the mess he’d caused. 

 

He heard a more commanding tone take to Yu’s voice, and Yosuke opened his eyes to Chie getting pulled up—perfectly fine now. But what if she  _ hadn’t been _ , and why were they all coming closer, were they going to yell at him, were they—?

 

Yu threw up a Goho-m and transported them all to the entrance, and  _ why were his friends looking at him in concern?  _ He’d  **hurt** them, he’d ruined  **everything** —

 

“Yosuke, can you hear me?”

 

He nodded, despite wishing he couldn’t, curling in further on himself. 

 

“What happened, did the shadow cast something on you?” Chie’s voice made his eyes shut tighter, a gasping noise escaping him as the guilt (  _ this was far beyond guilt  _ ) rushed through him in another wave.

 

He didn’t answer. His friends awkwardly shuffled around him as he cried, the embarrassment at his breakdown unable to push through the racing thoughts in his head. 

 

They thought to head home, but Yosuke wouldn’t move. He was just staying put— wouldn’t listen to any attempts to speak to him. Yu sighed before pulling him onto his back despite his partner’s tiny struggles against it. He didn’t have enough fight to push Yu off. He knew he’d have to be taken back home anyway. He just let it happen and cried into Yu’s shirt.

 

He felt the vibration of Yu speaking more than he heard the words, but made out a soft murmur of, “You’ll be okay, we got you.” 

 

He gripped Yu’s jacket and sobbed into his back with everything he had.


	2. anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure if i like this but i had a major episode of RSD over something out of my control and was inspired to vent through writing?
> 
> so. yeah. i'll i guess do another chapter or replace this one or something if i end up hating it. 
> 
> also it's not beta'd because i'm too afraid if i look at this too long i'll just never post it.
> 
> it's short, as is most of my stuff, but it has more dialogue in it than my usual stuff so it's kinda... idk. ugh.

 

He was embarrassed  _ now. _

 

What the fuck  _ was _ that? Yeah, he had messed up, but all of them had, like, a bunch of times. Yosuke had never  _ broken down  _ like that over it before. Especially not enough that Yu had to carry him back to the Dojima household and sit him on the couch with tea and watch him. 

 

Yosuke had no explanation, despite the fact that Yu was looking at him as if he was expecting one.

 

“Are you okay?” Yu's voice is soft as he speaks, and Yosuke hates that it's for him.   
  
Like, s _ eriously? _ Yosuke wasn’t the one who got hurt! He was just being a sensitive baby over it!

  
  
“I’m  **fine** . I was just being a cry baby or something, I dunno. It’s fine. I’m fine.”   
  
He’s not fine. He’s full of more self loathing than he has been in a long time. But that wasn’t what Yu was asking about, so he would keep it to himself.

 

Yu stared at him disbelieving, before sitting down on the couch next to him, closer than Yosuke expected.    
  
“Having a panic attack doesn’t make you a cry baby, Yosuke. What  _ happened _ ?”   
  
Yosuke tried to push down the rush of anger, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t angry at Yu, wasn’t angry at his partner. He was angry at himself, but what else was new.    
  
“I don’t know! Okay?! I don’t know what happened, I don’t know why! Sometimes you just, you get upset about shit and you break down about it! And it makes no sense and it’s like, cool, whatever!” He stood up as he yelled, close to pacing the room. He couldn’t  _ do _ this. He couldn’t. 

 

Yu was just  _ watching _ him. Not in judgement, not in pity, just as if he was curious and was concerned in a way that made Yosuke instinctually relax and he didn’t like it because he  _ wanted  _ to be mad. Yosuke wanted to lash out and be angry, to vent the frustration he felt boiling in his blood.    
  
“It doesn’t have to make sense. What were you thinking when it happened?”   
  
Yosuke hates it, he wants to  _ growl _ in Yu’s face but he can only sigh and sit down next to him. Yu cares, he wants to help, and Yosuke is grateful for that. For forcing Yosuke to cope in healthier ways than throwing something across the room like he was working up towards. 

 

“About how it was all my fault that Chie got downed. That I had fucked up and everyone was going to hate me for it.” He picks at his fingernails as he admits this, bouncing his leg up in down to release some of the tense energy inside himself.    
  
“But you know it’s not. You know none of us will blame you, and I’ve messed up the same way more times than I can count.” Yu was calm, but not belittling as he spoke, and it felt like it sapped some of the gross feelings from Yosuke.

 

“Yeah. I logically knew but I couldn’t stop just… the panic. It was like the world was falling apart.” 

 

Yu hummed in acknowledgement, watching him and waiting to see if there was more that Yosuke would say. Yosuke just played with the skin around his nails and avoided his best friend’s gaze.

 

“Okay.”

 

Yosuke’s head shot up and over to stare at Yu’s face with disbelief.    
  
“Okay? That’s it? Okay?”

 

Yu smiled softly, tilting his head. “Yeah. Okay. If you knew it was illogical and we could fix it eventually and it’s happened one out of how many times, then okay.”

 

Yosuke was going to lose it, he was going to cry again. What the hell, how did he managed to befriend someone so —   
  
“I don’t like that you felt that way, but if you can’t help it and logic doesn’t work, than we just assure you afterwards or wait it out.” Yu continued on even as Yosuke questions his lot in life. 

 

Yosuke dropped his head and he nodded. Yu pretends like he can't see him crying, and wraps an arm around him and pulls him close. 

 

“Thanks.” The word is stuttering a bit with the tears Yosuke is furiously wiping away, but Yu doesn’t mind.   
  
Of course he doesn’t. Yosuke’s **really** lucky.

 

“Anything. I mean it, anything.” 

 

Yosuke believes him. **God** , does he believe him, and Yosuke _knows_ this is why he’s madly in love with him. 


End file.
